I took a Botany class once.

Every once in awhile I get a nagging feeling to ponder the blogs, the thoughts, the minds of anyone daring enough to write their own blog.  And even less frequently I feel the urge to document my minds own spillage.  What prompted me to write today, is my yearly reflection that I've seemed to produce for the last three years.  As each year comes to an end, I subconsciously reflect on the years past events. Without even realizing it (until now), I have habitually documented my yearly growth and maturation.  I've never been one to write or keep a journal, but tonight I'm glad I have written these  5 or 6 times over the last two years.  So, if this is the last time I publish a blog for the next year.. I'm okay with that. 


From what I've just read written by the younger me, I have been desperate to find myself.  While I sit here, it seems I haven't gotten anywhere and even that I've regressed rather than advanced in my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement.  However, after reading my seemingly insignificant problems of 2009 and 2010.. I've realized that those problems seem minute now because they aren't problems now.  I have developed a more thorough understanding of what it means to live in the now, instead of being consumed by this psychological concept of past and future.  My goal is to focus on what is evidently permanent and the only thing in this life that is permanent is the consciousness of this second; now is all I will ever truly have.  So, I can accept or I can attempt to deny what this very second gives me-- I learned a long time ago that it's best to accept whatever emotion or situation as soon as possible in order to move on from it and find the peace, happiness, and joy which is so much more easily available in the absence of unnecessary drama, worry, and anger.  

The Ocean Has No Memory

It's been awhile since I let myself be alone with my thoughts. It's been awhile since I've let myself come down. Recently, I've had a spectrum of emotional experiences and before I knew it I was sliding back into the old mentality I was trapped in for so long. Looking back on my previous post, I am miles away from what I was feeling then but I am learning that it's NORMAL to have some negative feelings. Rejecting any emotion is far worse than accepting that we're all a little crazy.

I am very carefully choosing my next tattoo. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted but come to find out it could have been a disaster. Quality has led me to explore a different avenue and style that I am actually finding to be more suiting for the time that will forever be linked to the design I want engraved onto my body. My only problem is figuring out what I want and making it my own. Lately I have been finding myself dwelling on every single thing I produce. Every word, every image, every action, every impression, every assignment, every thing that represents me is suddenly much more important. I think this is because for so long the importance was for the acceptance of others. Now, it's important because I know that my ideas define me.

I miss this kid more than anyone or anything I have ever missed before. 2.5 weeks down, 3.5 weeks to go. She's so much stronger and braver than I will ever be and I admire her for being so patient with me. 

Life is a great teacher. Patience is key and optimism is best. Acceptance is difficult and change can suck. Success is rewarding, happiness is key, passion is drive and love makes it all happen. I do not take what I have for granted.

Advice I Give Myself: Real Talk.

As a human race, we are constantly assessing oneself and others. At which point does one become satisfied? At which point will my life be what I perceive as good? At which point is it inappropriate to give the world the middle finger and be able to roll in the realm of an unforgiving reality?

Sometimes it is better to not 'say what you need to say.' Sometimes ignorance is better than bliss. Sometimes reality is better left unfaced, and sometimes the future is better left unplanned. Sometimes thinking, writing, creating, discovering, and deciding are all beyond the epiphany that is due to occur. 

Movie stars have it all, yet they take their own lives. Pictures portray happiness, yet a family is in disarray. Reality is taken seriously by some, but by others is only a distant possibility. At which point does personality and decision combine to become the mentality of anyone? The decision of becoming a nothing or of becoming a something relies so much on the experiences that result in the shaped outcome of a person. The point is: as a parent, as a child, as a teacher, as a friend, as a human being we have the impact to shape the behavior, morals, values and decisions of the people around us.

Leaders take the reigns. Leaders set the stone. Leaders are the example of what people should be. If you are the leader of the next generation, where does that leave the future? If you are the product of an inefficient example, what are you doing to insure you don't become what you have been exposed to? 

Setting a goal, becoming conscious of your flaws, and making the choice to do whatever it takes to be amiable as well as successful takes a lot of thought and work. For some, it is effortless. For some, it is drive. For some, it is a life-long losing battle. For some, it is not even an inkling of a thought. Who are you? And what drives you? What are your goals and where are you going? If you're not happy, then why live another unhappy day? Change. Live. Love. Laugh. Act.

Succeed.

Fool Crush

Hey, life.. you're pretty cute sober.

Wow.

Where did the year go? I have learned so much in the past year. I went from being dependent and hopeful that I had found "the one" to being independent and fearless of what life has to offer. The most important lesson I've learned this year is that if you're not willing to give a damn, then you are certainly not worth a damn. Secondly, I've learned to take each experience as it comes, deal with it, and move on. I am doing me and this is it. My outlook on life has been entirely transformed and while I am still in a whirlwind of uncertainty, I am clear with myself about who I am and where I want to go. That feeling is more freeing than anything else I've ever felt in my life.

I have met incredible people. I have said goodbye to people who have brought me down from the start. I have met people who appeared to be incredible but turned out to be deadbeats without authentic drive. I have traveled to places I never dreamed I would see. I have accomplished things I always told myself I couldn't do. I got up when I was down, and realized that at the end of the day.. nothing else matters if I believe I can't be happy. Nothing mattered, so I changed. I changed as much as I could control. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking coffee, I dyed my hair, I stopped blaming myself for other peoples decisions, I stopped accepting failure as an option, I woke up and gave the world one big 'fuck you', had a glass of red wine and I let go.

Life isn't just about doing what you can do, but doing what you thought you couldn't do. I am one-up on depression for the first time in years. I am honestly, sincerely, wholly happy. I am over the one thing that has been eating at me for years. I let it go and now I have nothing holding me down. I'm not afraid anymore of being alone. I don't lay in bed at night and wonder if someone is going to break into my house and do the unthinkable. I don't worry that I won't find "the right guy" because I don't need anyone to complete me. I am an entire person, and that makes me whole. I am not someone that is waiting to be fixed. I am not someone that is wanting a 'happily ever after' because dammit, I'm living it. I chose the road less traveled, I picked being a single mother, I picked my path and when I started making the best of it, the best started to become extremely clear. I am so lucky. SO LUCKY to be alive and to have such an incredible little girl. I have an awesome house, supportive friends, a stable job, and the privilege of furthering my education while getting paid to do so. I could not ask for more. I could not ask for more and the 2009 me would. The 2009 me wanted so badly to be approved by others and to be accepted by people who didn't give a damn. This year has been a giant leap of maturity and realization for me. I am extremely glad to have learned the lessons I have, albeit the hard way. I am glad to see the mistakes I made and the mistakes I avoided.

For so long, I was under the impression that I could never be satisfied. I all but accepted the fact that I would never be truly happy. Thank whatever force for intervention because I can honestly say that I found happy! I'm there!! Not to say that I have this thing figured out, because I am merely an infant when it comes to knowledge of what's to come.. but I am stoked to go with the flow. And I am excited about life, I am excited about being where I've been wanting to go to. I am in love with my life and I could not ask for more.