Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Fool Crush

Hey, life.. you're pretty cute sober.

Where did the year go? I have learned so much in the past year. I went from being dependent and hopeful that I had found "the one" to being independent and fearless of what life has to offer. The most important lesson I've learned this year is that if you're not willing to give a damn, then you are certainly not worth a damn. Secondly, I've learned to take each experience as it comes, deal with it, and move on. I am doing me and this is it. My outlook on life has been entirely transformed and while I am still in a whirlwind of uncertainty, I am clear with myself about who I am and where I want to go. That feeling is more freeing than anything else I've ever felt in my life.

I have met incredible people. I have said goodbye to people who have brought me down from the start. I have met people who appeared to be incredible but turned out to be deadbeats without authentic drive. I have traveled to places I never dreamed I would see. I have accomplished things I always told myself I couldn't do. I got up when I was down, and realized that at the end of the day.. nothing else matters if I believe I can't be happy. Nothing mattered, so I changed. I changed as much as I could control. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking coffee, I dyed my hair, I stopped blaming myself for other peoples decisions, I stopped accepting failure as an option, I woke up and gave the world one big 'fuck you', had a glass of red wine and I let go.

Life isn't just about doing what you can do, but doing what you thought you couldn't do. I am one-up on depression for the first time in years. I am honestly, sincerely, wholly happy. I am over the one thing that has been eating at me for years. I let it go and now I have nothing holding me down. I'm not afraid anymore of being alone. I don't lay in bed at night and wonder if someone is going to break into my house and do the unthinkable. I don't worry that I won't find "the right guy" because I don't need anyone to complete me. I am an entire person, and that makes me whole. I am not someone that is waiting to be fixed. I am not someone that is wanting a 'happily ever after' because dammit, I'm living it. I chose the road less traveled, I picked being a single mother, I picked my path and when I started making the best of it, the best started to become extremely clear. I am so lucky. SO LUCKY to be alive and to have such an incredible little girl. I have an awesome house, supportive friends, a stable job, and the privilege of furthering my education while getting paid to do so. I could not ask for more. I could not ask for more and the 2009 me would. The 2009 me wanted so badly to be approved by others and to be accepted by people who didn't give a damn. This year has been a giant leap of maturity and realization for me. I am extremely glad to have learned the lessons I have, albeit the hard way. I am glad to see the mistakes I made and the mistakes I avoided.

For so long, I was under the impression that I could never be satisfied. I all but accepted the fact that I would never be truly happy. Thank whatever force for intervention because I can honestly say that I found happy! I'm there!! Not to say that I have this thing figured out, because I am merely an infant when it comes to knowledge of what's to come.. but I am stoked to go with the flow. And I am excited about life, I am excited about being where I've been wanting to go to. I am in love with my life and I could not ask for more.